It doesn't look like that
Years ago I used to read books, fiction and non-fiction about bdsm lifestyles, D/s etc and more often than not would be left disillusioned, I didn't feel any connection to what was being portrayed, obviously I haven't read every book out there. What I was looking for was validation, that we are normal, that it's ok to be the way I am in a modern society where women are encouraged to be independent, have careers, to be equals, and I'm not one of those women.
If you were to visit our home there is nothing that is out of the ordinary, nothing to indicate that in any way is there kink in our lives or that we live as Master and slave, actually my Master refers to me as his property and himself as Owner, terms I still have a little difficulty with.
I just wander, about what people think, I think myself what does ttwd look like to others, can it be sustained 24/7, it can but perhaps it's separating fantasy from the fiction, of course fantasy, the sex, the kink sells, but reality rarely looks like that all the time.
I don't go around crawling naked on my hands and knees with a chain attached, oh how lovely that fantasy might seem, and don't get me wrong it's something I like doing but reality for us isn't like that, I don't wear a collar and never have, nor when we do engage in kink does he dress up in leather, I would probably wet my knickers with laughing so hard if he did, not that there is anything wrong with that but it just isn't us, we do not possess any fetish wear and have no desire to.
I don't go around waiting on him hand and foot whilst he lazes around doing nothing, he doesn't call me slut, bitch or cunt (I love verbal humiliation as well as physical) there are times when that is hot and presses my buttons for sure, but you won't hear those terms addressed to me other than when it's playful whether it be sex or bdsm.
I do sit at his feet most evenings as we relax, sometimes he may have me snuggled up next to him, sometimes I'm in my 'cuddle' chair, he treats me with respect as I do him, he opens the car door for me, he pulls my chair out at a restaurant, he relays my order to the waiter/waitress (although I choose what I'm having), at home I wait for him to start eating before I start, I'm to be in bed by 10.30 and I'm up with him in the mornings, unless he has an extremely early start. At the moment that has been suspended as with whats going on with me health wise I'm finding I'm napping during the day so my sleep pattern is all over the place, often I'm up in the early hours pottering about the home or on here, draft posts are piling up.
I love that we have a good sex life, at times kinky at times we make love no 'toys' necessary, he spanks me, sometimes its very pleasurable and sometimes its most definitely not, we engage in bdsm it can be perhaps extreme or it can be mild, but this is all just physical stuff, enjoyable or not as the case might be, it isn't a relationship, it isn't TPE for us, and it's not as important as what TPE does mean to us, I would give it all up tomorrow just as long as I had his authority over me, and my obedience to him, that's what matters to us.
Day to day life I think for us looks like what it would for many couples, sure yes there are rituals, and I have expectations that I am to follow but to all extents and purposes it's not exciting, the only action in our bedroom last night was me catching a spider on the wall because he wouldn't get into bed until I caught it and put it out the window!
I had a brief look around Fetlife, before I started blogging, and like with the reading of books I certainly didn't read or get around everywhere but I found the site disappointing, although I can't pinpoint for sure what I was expecting to find, what I did find was it wasn't the place for me.
Master has said to me frequently over the years that I need to stop plaguing my mind with searching for answers where there are none, and I know he is right, ttwd doesn't come with an instruction manual of 'how to' or indeed the right way to do things, but I have an inquisitive personality, which he say's is akin to being nosy :)
Claire,
ReplyDeleteWell, yep...that sounds about right. No one answer/looks like etc. It makes it hard when looking for validation of "i'm not weird/i'm still a feminist and all for equal rights" etc.
I find as well that I crave his authority (more so the more he shows it). At the same time, he can hurt me that much deeper with callous words.
Wear the leathers or don't/use the toys or don't/verbal humiliation or no...none of it matters.
What matters is how you feel. If he meets your needs and you meet his in whatever way shape or form, then do it. Life is too short to not explore and play and find your kink. I would rather search for our kink then live with a gaping hole inside wondering if "is this all there is?"
Hugs
Boo
Good evening Boo,
DeleteYes how very true, none of it matters as long as both are meeting each other's needs, sure there may be aspects where there are differences that cannot be met, there are with us, but it's determining whether they are important enough to put our relationship at risk, and they certainly are not.
We truly have to decide/choose for ourselves. I would find it difficult to live your lifestyle. It's not for us. But I realize that 90% of the people I know in real life would find it difficult to live the lifestyle Nick and I have chosen. Are they 'right' and we're 'wrong.' Hardly. They're doing what's best for them, we're doing what's best for us and you're doing what's best for you. To me it's no different than choosing a paint color for your living room. You, and only you, have to be happy with your choice.
ReplyDeleteChoosing paint colour, what a good way of looking at it, there is I should think just as many different ways of having a relationship as there are paint colours! I'm reminded of something that my mother used to say and that is the grass isn't always greener on the other side so best look to tending your own garden than looking to emulate someone else's.
DeleteFor me, books (WAY before-50 Shades) was a huge way of finding kink/M/s. i'm super curious, if not for books, how did you find it? Normal--and thinking there is a standard of-is boring and unfulfilling. And what do you mean, you don't have a St. Andrews cross in your living room?!
ReplyDeleteGood evening Bleue,
DeleteI must be one of the few people on the planet that has not read those books, maybe I should :)
My Master was involved in bdsm and was exploring D/s when I met him so it was through him that I found it all, oh we should get a St Andrews cross for the living room I can decorate it at Christmas, and it would make a great centre piece for conversations when we have guests lol
And in the spring you could deck it out with flowers! "What's that?" / "Oh just a standing wreath! It's a living-wall cross!" Oh, but then the flowers might get in the way. Hmm.
DeleteYou had me thinking of the book point and it wasn't through books that i found BDSM/ D/s...but it was through books (and media) that it affirmed my general thinking and because i was looking for answers as to why i didn't jive like the rest, that i went looking for sources.
Your post made us both smile. We're fond of saying that TTWD might not look anything like that thing you do. Most nights (until very recently) were quite dull, and yes, mouse usually doesn't spend all her time chained up and usually has clothes on unless we're in our bedroom.
ReplyDeleteHonestly mouse goes for more vanilla bodice ripping stories, although there are few bdsmy ones that she has read and enjoyed.
Anyway, enjoying your blog and look forward to reading more about you!
Hugs,
mouse
Oh goodness yes, it doesn't always match what you think it's going to look like or indeed do, also from our own personal experiences it's having to adjust how ttwd works when life throws up the unexpected.
DeleteI'm not a huge reader, but when I do it is more of the Mills&Boon books that I go for, although my read at the moment is a Jackie Collins book, smutty and gritty, ideal for an hour of escapism lol
Thank you mouse
I happy you shared this. Things have been off kilter here for a while as we are adjusting to our new norm with Covid still raging and people always underfoot. Many of your daily things/requirements etc have been employed here as well.
ReplyDeleteI am not to take a bite (or even munch on food while cooking) until B does. I sit on the floor when discussions are to be had. I serve. I've slept on the floor a few times ( stupid idea for me to remove the plush carpet !!). I am supposed to ask to leave the room...etc, etc
I've only read a few BDSM novellas, and even fewer DD ones. I waffle between how they are unrealistic or because we strive to live in this environment that I don't need to read about it as to why I don't read them. BDSM activities have a place in our relationship as a tool to achieve what we both desire between us - and yes it can be very hot - especially AFTER. Lol. I mean let's face it it's not always the primary feeling when it's happening. Lol. I think in truth though it's because I desire the dominance more than the physical actions. Perhaps that's what is missing in many I have read. The in between seems to exist only to get the reader to the next physical aspect.
We are an extremely vanilla looking couple outside of our home- and probably inside of it most times as well. I highly doubt anyone would guess much of what is going on here. So no you won't find tumblr -worthy action shots of me crawling across the dining room floor, passing a free running bunny, going around a pile of crap that needs to go down to the basement, and trying not to get stepped on by our oldest son, while B blows his nose due to the high pollen count currently.
I never have known where I fit in- long before entering this life. Here I find we're too tame or inconsistent to fit into BDSM and the deeper end of the D/s spectrum and too 'extreme' for the DD end. So I just float around popping in here and there. Lol. But I'm almost 50 now- if I don't say f*CK it now, then when?
willie
Good evening willie,
DeleteAhh yes Covid has caused much adjustment here, routine was shifted/adapted and I admit that I did become complacent, I'm not great with change at the best of times although know that sometimes there is no avoiding it.
Blimey willie, get that carpet back lol, we do have a wooden floor but have a large rug at the foot of the bed, trouble is it's a shaggy style rug and malts, when I have slept on it there are times i have woken up with bits of it clinging to me!
"The in between seems to exist only to get the reader to the next physical aspect."
^^^ yes, you have hit the nail on the head there, and I get it, the reader isn't looking for the 'normal' parts, they want the escapism of the sex/kink etc, I suppose I should no better, well I am reading a Jackie Collins book at the moment full of sizzle and scandal lmao
How disappointing willie, so I guess I don't need to sign up to tumblr then :)
You should try not to think too much about where you fit in (I know practice what I preach) we are all just doing it the way we all need/enjoy, and damn it your never too old to explore and have fun!
I am glad that I "finally" got over to read your blog. Somebody ^^^^^ has been telling me all about it. I think that with TTWD, it is different for all of us. No one would look in at our relationship and see anything kinky from the outside. I think your relationship is beautiful. My husband is the head of the household but I wouldn't go as far as saying that he is a dominant. He has the 51% vote in our lives. But he is a sadist and I am a masochist, so it all works out. I am sorry that Fet didn't work out for you. We were able to get on and find some local munches and then made friends that are in the lifestyle. No, they are not like any of the books that I have read. Just regular people. I look forward to reading more about you.
ReplyDeleteGood evening Blondie,
Deletethank you very much for dropping by, and I shall pop by to you, I'm having problems with blog roll, can't seem to get it to work, the lovely ladies here have tried to help but it appears something I am doing is not as it should be, when I do, if I ever do get it sorted I shall add you.
My Master is a sadist, although I'm hesitant to call myself a masochist because I don't get aroused from pain, yet I enjoy enduring it, and especially the afterwards, the adrenalin rush and the marks.
Maybe I should have spent more time browsing Fetlife, I didn't find it easy to navigate around, I should add that I am not tech savvy at all, we do attend a munch as and when we can, but with covid that has stopped, we have been going for years and I liked that it is regular people which I was surprised at when I went to my very first one, although siy of me really......what was I expecting lol
Good Evening Windy,
ReplyDeleteThank you very much, I am really enjoying it here, getting to know people and engaging in conversation, I like that reading other's blogs, like your own, give me pause for thought, and moments of "oh I can relate to that" I think perhaps because it's real people with real stories which makes it all the more engaging.
I completely agree with what you said about it educating you, oh yes very much so, I think it's important to be able to be willing to learn more, no matter how much we think we might know, even if it's something that may not particularly appeal to us, it expands one's mind to differing ways of life, none being better than the other just different...wouldn't it be a boring world to live in if we were all the same.