Parenting the parents

 First off, apologies for taking a while to reply to comments on previous post, I haven't been active much here this past week due to family circumstances.

Last Tuesday afternoon Master's mum phoned quite distressed, my father in law was diagnosed with vascular dementia last August and as was to be expected he is getting worse, and she hadn't let us know up until this point how much she was struggling, she didn't want to be a bother, of course we would ask but we would get a very watered down version, and what with the lockdowns Master has been visiting once a week but in the garden, I haven't due to shielding.

Anyway, after the call, packed a small suitcase and travelled to London, traffic was fairly light and so we got there in just over an hour and a half, Master was quiet on the journey, he is close to his parents and I knew he was stewing on the situation, he had wanted them to come live with us when his dad was diagnosed, but they didn't want to and I could understand that, and when we spoke about it at the time he could see my point of view, and of course his parents, nevertheless he would have preferred they were living with us.

We spent the evening with them, FIL was settled, what we have learned so far from his doctors is dementia although progressive there can be periods of where the progression seems to slow down for a while and then starts up again.  But it's evident from this visit he has got worse, some of the interior doors in the downstairs rooms had been stripped of the frame and were left hanging, MIL said he did that a few weeks ago because he wanted to replace them, he was a carpenter by trade before retiring, but his personality was the biggest change.

He was argumentative, paranoid  and not easily calmed, and I could see quite clearly why MIL wasn't coping, and something had to be done, we went to our townhouse that evening, tired, concerned and with the knowledge that the next whatever amount of days it took we was going to have to put a plan in action, that was going to be difficult for all concerned.

We lay in bed and Master started telling me stories about him and his dad from when he was a child, one's I had not heard of before, I didn't interrupt, just listened, it was nice, he doesn't often talk about his childhood, not that it was horrid, far from it.  Some were funny, and his laughter made me laugh, Master is good at telling stories, whether they be from fact or fiction, he can make it entertaining and engage the listener, when the children were small he would make up stories and they loved it, me I'm not so creative, they got read a book!

He knows he is losing his dad, that the man he knows is fading, and I can understand that, I watched my mum die 6 years ago from a brain tumour, I remember the doctor at the time telling me to remember her as she was not the life the tumour in the end gave her, life can be cruel and oh these illnesses are so cruel, it's like grieving for someone you love although they are still alive.

Master however is a positive person and is very practical, he needs to have a focus and soon the conversation switched to what needs to be done and he will get the ball rolling tomorrow, it's the way he is, he needs to do something, whereas I tend to be the emotional one which I admit can skewer my perceptions and decisions which is probably why it's best he makes them.

We got home late Friday night, we have brought his parents with us, not to live, both have made it clear it's only temporary but have agreed that help is needed and so they will stay until a plan is made and put in place, which at the moment they are considering sheltered accommodation. I'm glad they are here, MIL definitely needed the break, although FIL still has very lucid moments he is very repetitive and when his mind fixates on something he won't let it go, yesterday he wanted his car keys and was pulling draws out, going through cupboards, accusing each and everyone of us of stealing his keys....he hasn't owned and driven a car for over 10 years!

but it's what you do.