Surrendering to his will

 First off, apologies for taking a while to reply to comments on previous post, I haven't been active much here this past week due to family circumstances. Last Tuesday afternoon Master's mum phoned quite distressed, my father in law was diagnosed with vascular dementia last August and as was to be expected he is getting worse, and she hadn't let us know up until this point how much she was struggling, she didn't want to be a bother, of course we would ask but we would get a very watered down version, and what with the lockdowns Master has been visiting once a week but in the garden, I haven't due to shielding. Anyway, after the call, packed a small suitcase and travelled to London, traffic was fairly light and so we got there in just over an hour and a half, Master was quiet on the journey, he is close to his parents and I knew he was stewing on the situation, he had wanted them to come live with us when his dad was diagnosed, but they didn't want to and I coul...

 Last weekend I started the task of emptying out the cupboard under the stairs, it goes quite far back and really needed doing, put it this way I found my daughters ski jacket aged 8-10 she is now 19, I know the shame, but that's how badly it needed doing, over the years it's been used as the "don't know where to put it, shove it under the stairs" by everyone in the house. So, started enthusiastically, with the intention of separating into 3 piles, keep/throw out/charity shop, it didn't get to 3 piles, just lots of piles all stashed against the wall, it was one of those jobs that half-way through I regretted starting, it didn't help that as I was emptying the kids would discover some long lost items they really needed now, like their rollerblades which in no way would fit them now but hey ho with excitement 3 of them rushed off outside with them...yes off you go, cripple your feet just stay out my way. Wednesday evening came and Master commented on the pil...

 Years ago I used to read books, fiction and non-fiction about bdsm lifestyles, D/s etc and more often than not would be left disillusioned, I didn't feel any connection to what was being portrayed, obviously I haven't read every book out there.  What I was looking for was validation, that we are normal, that it's ok to be the way I am in a modern society where women are encouraged to be independent, have careers, to be equals, and I'm not one of those women. If you were to visit our home there is nothing that is out of the ordinary, nothing to indicate that in any way is there kink in our lives or that we live as Master and slave, actually my Master refers to me as his property and himself as Owner, terms I still have a little difficulty with. I just wander, about what people think, I think myself what does ttwd look like to others, can it be sustained 24/7, it can but perhaps it's separating fantasy from the fiction, of course fantasy, the sex, the kink sells, but...

 Our children are like a pack of velociraptors, I know, I have seen the Jurassic Park films!  They communicate with one another, plot and plan, seek out your weak spots and when they find them they go in for the kill. Master and I have always agreed that when it comes to the children we absolutely have to be on the same wavelength, because otherwise they will divide and conquer, it has been known for them to get one over on us, not a lot but it's happened, so you have to be on the ball. So, when they all joined us in the lounge one evening, which is a rarity these days being the ages they are, it doesn't happen very often, apart from Christmas, oh what am I going to do when they do all fly the nest properly, Christmas is my favourite holiday, ok I'm going off track, I will not mention Christmas again until December and then you might not want to come visit here, coz yeah love, love love it....ok getting back on track.. Yes, anyway in they all come, I had to put Grey's A...

Well, he shagged me against a wall in a toilet cubicle of a nightclub so technically my feet were off the floor! *rewind a few months* I loved dancing as a teenager, and used to go nightclubbing most weekends with my sister who is 4 years older than me, we knew which ones were relaxed with insisting on ID, and so long as there was no drunken underaged  they would turn a blind eye.  My sister didn't mind me tagging along, and my parents conditions were we had to stay together and to get a taxi home, and be home together, they were fairly relaxed parents. She would meet up with her friends, and my Master was a friend of one of her friends, I didn't pay him much attention, but then I didn't any of them, yes we all spoke but no conversations of any depth, I just spent my time on the dancefloor, didn't drink, very rarely do now, just water which I would go back to our table for at regular intervals. This went on for months, my sister and a few of her friends were smokers, an...

 I come into the kitchen after hanging washing up to find Master sat at the island peeling a ginger root, "that's for curry tomorrow night" apparently not anymore as his smug reply was "it's going somewhere else this afternoon" and I do laugh, I'm still chuckling as he sends me to the bedroom, because we both know I knew that as soon as I saw what he was doing. I talk a lot, I tend to ramble when I'm nervous or excited, sometimes it's a combination of both, so I start rambling when he comes in to the bedroom, can't be having that he says and gets a hood, I love being hooded and he has chosen my favourite, it's leather with a zip where the mouth is, ears are padded so hearing isn't great and I can't see at all, I find it calming. He positions me on the bed, on my stomach, ass raised by pillows, and inserts the ginger into my ass, it's ok to start, but I know from past experiences the burn will come, I don't find it painful,...

 We was meant to have guests staying over, Master called them to cancel, I have been feeling under the weather last couple of days, tired mostly, he is suffocating me, he is trying not to, he is trying to do as I have asked and keep things normal, that's all I want.  I have cancer, I'm having treatment, have another round of chemo next week, I don't talk about it, any of it.  This will be the first and last post in which it will be spoken about. So this blog, it's my place he said, get my feelings out, I'm angry he says and that if I won't talk to him then writing might help, I'm not angry, I just don't want to talk about it, what will it achieve, what does he think that it's going to make everything ok? I said to him it's because he is feeling helpless this is something he cant fix and he doesnt know what to do. I'm not being pessimistic, the treatment is working, the consultant is being positive and says we should too, so why do I need to t...

I used to have issues regarding the way I am and why I liked the way I was living, I needed answers to explain just how I am this way, Master has told me that he used to have his own 'demons' in respect of his sadism, why he enjoyed inflicting pain on me and more so when I disliked it (not all the times), but like me he overcame this, sometimes  I wander if it causes more harm than good to go looking for answers where there is none to be had, perhaps it's just best to accept that we are who we are and as long as one is happy and there is consent is an explanation needed? We both know I do better, thrive and am happier when I'm in a controlled environment of which he is in charge of, we have rituals, the main rule is to obey, yes there are lots of 'rules' and it is perhaps semantics but I refer to everything else bar the main rule as expectations.  These are all designed to keep me in a mindset of being enslaved to him, that everything I do, the way I behave etc ...

 So, I'm sat here, spent the last hour navigating how to do a blog roll, thought I had done it, but clicking on show blog button nothing shows up other than my posts, I have comments to reply to, things I need to say on blogs, of course I have things to say :) normally I would get one of the kids to sort out my tech issues, can't really with this, so going for a walk in the sunshine and will try again later!  and a bird has shit on my clean sheets I not long put out to dry, ok mini rant over.