It is what it is

I used to have issues regarding the way I am and why I liked the way I was living, I needed answers to explain just how I am this way, Master has told me that he used to have his own 'demons' in respect of his sadism, why he enjoyed inflicting pain on me and more so when I disliked it (not all the times), but like me he overcame this, sometimes  I wander if it causes more harm than good to go looking for answers where there is none to be had, perhaps it's just best to accept that we are who we are and as long as one is happy and there is consent is an explanation needed?

We both know I do better, thrive and am happier when I'm in a controlled environment of which he is in charge of, we have rituals, the main rule is to obey, yes there are lots of 'rules' and it is perhaps semantics but I refer to everything else bar the main rule as expectations.  These are all designed to keep me in a mindset of being enslaved to him, that everything I do, the way I behave etc is under his instruction, and that what I am allowed or permitted are privileges and he can should he choose to take what he wants away, so I am aware that I'm not entitled to anything, the aim is to keep the ego at bay.

Even with the things I don't like and would rather not do if he gave me the option of not having to do those things anymore I know deep down I wouldn't like it, because I wouldn't like the 'freedom' of having choice, oh sure it would be a novelty at first and damn I would make the most of it :) but it wouldn't give me the sense of security, safety and contentment that I have now, those times I don't like what is asked of me and I struggle, get angry or upset, they are fleeting compared to the benefits of what is the bigger picture.

He doesn't want a miserable slave who is constantly unhappy, that is not the goal and nor would it be enjoyable for either of us, I suppose it comes down to trust, knowing that person very well, he isn't unreasonable and has never given me any reason to think that any decision he makes is designed to upset me, it is simply what he believes is the best course of action/decision to make.  Oh yes over the years he has made mistakes, being someone's dominant does not exempt one from being infallible, we all are, and nor is he beyond apologising when he does make a mistake, I think we all have to own our mistakes regardless of how we choose to define ourselves.
 
It's by no means easy, for either of us, often I think I wouldn't want to be in in his shoes, I'm far too much hard work :) and he definitely wouldn't want to be in mine, he doesn't do well with being told what to do, I know I have tried, well more specifically one time I told him where to go.....yeah he didn't appreciate that at all! 

It is just what it is.



















Comments

  1. willie4 April 2021 at 01:25

    Hey Claire!

    First off I hate blogger! I have been checking on my blog roll and nothing for hours, then your post comes up and said it was up 5 hours ago!!! Urgh.

    I suppose it would come as no surprise to you after reading my post that I often question many things- usually at the most inopportune moments. Some things/days are extremely peaceful because I just say, " (insert expletive ) it!" and live the way that makes me feel like my best - the rest of the world be damned, and also the insecure voices in my head. LOL.

    What I like about this post is your willingness to say, 'yeah I've wondered about stuff, but in the end it doesn't matter, big picture, because it works for me'. Having that actualization must be a great way to live, and when you are feeling off from that perspective, there are tools in place to bring you back to it. Even with screw ups on both sides

    I was on the other side of a huge lecture today about insecurity, and not being able to take compliments. At least I think that is what it was about, I sort of zoned out after a while. LOL. I spend a lot of time talking myself into or out of things because of insecurity at times- our dynamic and the way it is structured helps me remember those insecurities are unfounded. I am where I need to be and because of that where B needs me to be.

    My point is, as long as we have someone there to see us when we don't see or want to see ourselves, it's okay to say, " it is what it is' until we feel it is what it IS.

    Thanks for sharing
    willie

    Oh and I may or may not having given B a few 'directions' today myself. Doubt he took them as he ended up at work instead ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Boosghost24 April 2021 at 20:29

    Hey Claire,

    first, i am sorry you are having issues with Blogger. What a nuisance. However, thanks for pointing out in your last post (when you talked about the issues) that you had to leave and try again later. I am glad I am not the only one who gets WAY to frustrated to handle anything.

    Second, this is a great post. The mental issues behind the way we are. I finally gave up asking myself why I am weird like this. I don't care anymore, it doesn't matter. I work better with the Sheriff in charge and the Sheriff is finally figuring out that we work better when he is in charge.

    I do feel bad for him though, it would be hard to be the one in control. I couldn't do it.

    Hugs
    Boo

    ReplyDelete

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