He says, she says

 We was meant to have guests staying over, Master called them to cancel, I have been feeling under the weather last couple of days, tired mostly, he is suffocating me, he is trying not to, he is trying to do as I have asked and keep things normal, that's all I want.  I have cancer, I'm having treatment, have another round of chemo next week, I don't talk about it, any of it.  This will be the first and last post in which it will be spoken about.

So this blog, it's my place he said, get my feelings out, I'm angry he says and that if I won't talk to him then writing might help, I'm not angry, I just don't want to talk about it, what will it achieve, what does he think that it's going to make everything ok? I said to him it's because he is feeling helpless this is something he cant fix and he doesnt know what to do.

I'm not being pessimistic, the treatment is working, the consultant is being positive and says we should too, so why do I need to talk about it? I do find it funny that I'm the emotional one usually, getting myself worked up over things I needn't but the cancer no, its out of my control, his control, all I want and have asked for is to just continue as normal, is that unreasonable!

He said my last post was aimed at him, it was, I admit that, I wanted to remind him of how our life is, thats what I need, why should cancer change that, he says Im in denial, and actually no I'm fed up and pissed off with being told how I'm meant to feel, how I'm meant to react.

I have said horrid things to him, things that I am sorry for, he hasn't deserved it, but I don't want to be treated differently, looked at differently, and people do, he told my sister when I had absolutely said I did not want anyone other than us 2 to know, now that I was angry about, because when she and I speak now it ends up with me putting the phone down because I get bombarded with how I'm feeling etc etc, I just want to chat about our usual stuff, her postman who she is convinced has the hots for her, I want to laugh with her, not talk bloody treatment plans.

So there I have wrote about how I feel, so am I meant to feel better now, relieved that I have got it off my chest? no, I want to write about anything, kink stuff, arguing with Amazon's Alexa coz she gets on my nerves, she just starts talking randomly when I haven't even said Alexa, my failed baking attempts, I can cook savoury food just fine, cakes nope, many, many disasters :)   I want to engage in conversations, whether they be silly or serious, I want to moan about my kids, or say when Im proud of them.

Will it make him feel better that I have spoke about it? unlikely, I want to have conversations with him about subjects that have been brought up on other blogs, because we are having some great ones, I think no matter how much we know or indeed think we know, we can all learn more, and I am finding it benefical here, it might be early days, but I like it here, and I dont want my blog to be dominated by my having cancer.

I have promised him that should I need to talk, I will always go to him first, although he should know better to think that I would do differently, and I won't use this blog to aim shots at him, I did explain to him my last post was not a cheap shot at him, he interpreted it wrong, I wanted him to see thats what I want, to keep it that way.  In turn he has promised to try harder not to smother me, and to try to keep things normal, and thats all I'm asking for.



Comments

  1. Bleue D'âme5 April 2021 at 04:55

    Hi Claire,
    Oh now, the postman who has the hots for the sister, is just an erotica waiting to be written!
    Blogging, at times, i have found, to be an in between place between taking shots and being like, an intimate outside observer and to get that balance right, to get it to come across how i've intended (*not taking shots, venting, observing, dissecting*)-sometimes i didn't/haven't. Sometimes i was just talking about it and not *at* it.
    Here, reading whatever you feel like sharing.

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    1. claire5 April 2021 at 22:42

      Evening Bleue,

      Oh it could be, like Lady Chatterley's lover, although she is no lady and he isn't a gardener, I can't see it being a literary classic lol although she probably would think differently!

      The trouble with the written word especially in this context of blogging is it can be mis-interpreted, I know myself I'm not entirely great with translating to *paper* what is in my head where it makes sense to me, but it comes out not quite how I intended!

      Thank you

      Delete
  2. willie5 April 2021 at 12:08

    I few years a go I had a friend in the very specific place you find yourself- minus the blog she 'only' had me- who was left in the dark for reasons you stated for too long. Maybe ground rules with your sister ( one question about my health is all you get) will her

    One last thing and I'll never mention anything again about it. When my gf didn't want me to know for the same reasons you stated, before hand things were awkward. I would tease her as I usually did about her husband and she'd get upset saying he's been through a lot. ( Of course I had no clue). He would then have to defend me because I didn't know. He and I are also close, so once he told me, he then had someone else to talk to about how he felt.

    Sounds like we are similar 'worry about the things we can change' when it comes to ourselves. And many times it is easier to deal with our own situation than it is for us to deal with others. So I understand why you would want to keep it between the two of you. I really do. I understood my gf's reason as well, but it really was better for all concerned once I knew. Like I said when she explained why she didn't want me to know, I told her I reserved the right to ask one question . It worked for us.

    ***
    I agree with Bleue , sound like the postman and the sister could be an idea for some writer out there. Lol.

    Blogging can be taken in so many ways. I'm not going to speak about your husband's state if mind, but I do know for many, if they are insecure, tired frustrated, worried, and they read a post it seems to be written about them. When we're in a relationship it is difficult to not write about us and have it cross over at times.

    I used to bake and decorate elaborate cakes. I hated the baking part. Too much like science. I just wanted to get to the fun part.

    And Alexa? I cannot decide if she has man hearing or she's like children and hears only at only the misopportume moments!

    Willie

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    1. claire5 April 2021 at 23:02

      Evening Willie,

      A good suggestion on how to handle my sister, one is which I will try, she means well, we are close, she just doesn't know when to stop.

      What you said, took me aback, please understand not in a horrible way, but rather I had not considered that my Master needs someone to talk to, that he is struggling, it's made me think that I'm being unfair to him, and that he told my sister because it's someone he can talk to because I won't. I hadn't thought about this aspect at all, but I certainly am now, looking at it from the perspective of your experience has me realising I'm not helping him and he needs my help as much as I need his, so thank you.

      Well, as I said to Bleue, I can't see it being a literary classic, blimey she would eat the man alive!

      Alexa has one good quality, and that's playing music, I haven't really used her for much else.

      thank you Willie

      Delete
  3. Boosghost25 April 2021 at 13:39

    Hi Claire,

    Well this blog is about you and what you want. I am sad that your Master could not respect your request of who you tell, maybe if he had you wouldn't be angry at him. And that is all I will say about that (other than positive energy is being sent to you...sorry, you just have to accept that because it is already there!)

    Now, the postman has the hots for your sister....yep....definitely a cheesy story there!

    Baking I love, not so much the decorating....but I love the science of baking!

    As for Alexa, since I have the "learn" turned off, we don't have Alexa talking much to us...that would creep me out a bit I must say!

    But we are here for great conversations (sorry if we talk your ear off!) or anything else you might need!

    Hugs
    Boo

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    Replies
    1. claire5 April 2021 at 23:10

      Evening Boo

      I was angry with him, I think mostly because I would have preferred that he spoke to me first before telling her so I at least could have been prepared, but having read Willie's comment here it gave me pause for thought, that he needed someone to talk to, he needed support, and I failed to see that.

      Ahh the poor postman, if indeed he does have the hots for her, he is probably biting off more than he can chew lol

      I had no idea there was a function to turn off, now I know there is I will be going in search of it!

      Thank you Boo, oh and don't apologise for talking my ear off, I talk too much, as well as often drifting off in a different direction than where I was meant to be going.

      Delete
  4. PK5 April 2021 at 13:48

    I have blogged about everything - from what I thought was wildly exciting, sad things, happy things to truly dull stuff. So yeah, come at us with anything! But I do have a question. What do you call a failed baking attempt? I can barely boil water, but I used to be able to at least bake a cake that didn't fall - no longer. The ALL fall, but Nick and Mollie (husband and daughter) say they taste better than any cake they have ever eaten. And they do! One came apart so completely that I crumbled it into a 9x13 and I pressed it down and put on a little glaze on it. I'd like to bake a cake that looked good and I could take it to a cover dish dinner or something - but I'll settle for one my family likes.

    Looking forward to reading whatever you post and talking about dull to kinky stuff.

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    Replies
    1. claire5 April 2021 at 23:22

      Evening PK,

      Failed baking attempts, goodness where shall I start lol they taste awful, I can count on one hand the times I have had successes and even they wasn't great, edible yes, presentation well, I won't be entering the local fete cake decorating competition any time soon, think a snowman melting in the sun and turning to mush!

      I can do sweet pies though, spiced apple and raisin, although I do buy the pastry, so can't really say that's baking, I think the biggest issue is I don't enjoy it as much as I do making savoury foods where the ingredients don't have to be as exact as baking.

      thanks PK

      Delete
  5. morningstar5 April 2021 at 14:23

    I am going to respect your wishes and only write about this this one time...... PROMISE!
    BUT I want you to know how important it is to feel normal when you're going through cancer treatments.. when you feel everything is not normal... you need one part of your life to be normal. I get it! because I too have cancer. I have had it for nearly 10 years now. There is no treatment that will work on my cancer. I have to go in every few months and have a check - and if it's back then it is removed right then and there in the hospital cancer clinic. BUT if there's no cancer my next appointment is 6 months ... then 9 months then yearly IF the cancer doesn't come back. BUT it does... come back - cause that is my cancer.

    Last July I had my yearly check up - there was no cancer. The doctor was amazed. He told me that IF I had asked if I would go into remission when we started this journey - he would have told me "No" my cancer wasn't known to go into remission. YET it had been 5 years?!!!

    You made me giggle with your description of Alexa - and your baking failures (that's why they have bakeries no?? grinning) and yeah even your sister's mailman. Go to the other blogs - immerse yourself in debates/discussions there.. write here and let us come and discuss/debate .. do what makes you feel whole!! AND please know - we'll support you all ways and always :)

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  6. claire5 April 2021 at 22:51

    Evening Windy,

    I'm enjoying the conversations, I like that they make me think/reflect and even challenge me, because often they are not conversations you can have with people in day to day life, well unless one is more open about how they live.

    Our children bought us an Amazon smart home starter pack last Christmas, I was sceptical after reading a couple years ago about a controversy on how they 'listen in' and I'm not comfortable with it, mainly I use her for music so she has that going for her, but not much else.

    Thank you Windy

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  7. claire5 April 2021 at 23:44

    Evening Morningstar

    Yes!! that is it, I need to feel everything is normal, it's a way of dealing with it, doesn't mean I don't think about it, but nor do I want to be consumed by it either.

    10 years, and knowing it will always come back, I'm sat here and I can't find the words to even convey how that must be for you, where it's always in the background, I can absolutely understand how normality would and is important, without it I think it would be detrimental in so many ways impacting those around as well oneself.

    Oh I love my local bakery, you can't beat fresh baked pastries, sod worrying about weight, got to make the most of the little pleasures in life.

    Thank you morningstar, very much, I appreciate you speaking of your own cancer, to know that wanting normality is ok.

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